Baaghi-A Review

I have seen Baaghi (with Tiger Shroff) 4 times. And not due to any kind of fondness. I travel frequently to Baroda and during this one particular period Baaghi was a regular feature on the bus which I would board. And apparently Baaghi is a favourite with the audience.

One of the earliest scenes is the one where Tiger Shroff...sorry I can't call him that...it is too embarrassing. Lets just call him hero. So the scene is where hero meets Shraddha Kapoor. And she can talk with the rain. And she gets all orgasmic when it rains. Which after some time is pointed out by hero too. He asks her if she has no other work besides getting wet. 

Shraddha Kapoor is beautiful. But that doesn’t make me not want to punch her. She is like a human bubble wrap. Perennially bubbly. And watching her makes me want to do just what i would do with a bubble wrap.

Sunil Grover plays her dad. If there was ever an Oscar for the worst casting them it would go to him. No, I am wrong. It would go to the cast of Jaani Dushman (the newer one).

Then Shraddha Kapoor loses her shit when it starts to rain. And 'chham chham chham' befalls. The villain sees her dancing and instantly wants to strangle her because she is flirting with the rain. But someone stops him in the neck of time and he goes away with his goons.

Hero reaches the martial arts guru’s ashram. He for some reason is standing in this pose in front of his students (one of whom is the TVF guy). Now this pose, for starters,...what could possibly be its utility in a fight? I for one can think of many ways to floor him if he is standing in that vulnerable position in front of me. or is he just trying to show off in front of the TVF guy that he can really stretch it when needed? Or maybe fart and convey how deadly it is at the same time?

Equally baffling is this pose. 

It is hero’s introductory scene. As cool as it looks, it is equally impossible. I have no doubts on hero’s martial abilities. But this is the same guy who underwent a harrowing experience while preparing for Baaghi 2. He had a haircut! Below is the link for more proof.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw018TePayo

After seeing the video all I wanted to ask him was, ‘bhai tuje bolte huye sharam bhi nai aai?’.

Anyways, hero gives Guru a letter from his father, whose voiceover from the letter says that by the time Guru finds the letter he would be dead as he is very sick. And hero stands there giving zero fucks, and throwing random kicks at the students for no rhyme and reason. Which hints at some sort of learning disability in him as he fails to comprehend the number 68 which also happens to be Guru’s age.

Then we are introduced to this mute kid, who completely destroys our empathy towards him by constantly using ‘ya ya’ to answer anything.

Then a lot of crap happens in between. Finally hero reaches Bangkok to rescue Shraddha Kapoor. And then Raid Redemption happens for the next half hour. Hero kills many fighters including this guy. 

Seriously, the guy on that hair. The best line in the movie is reserved for this guy. As hero breaks his arm he looks into the camera and says “china ka maal zyada chalta nai”. And we complain that the Chinese are hostile towards Indians.

And the movie ends. There couldn’t be a bigger homage to raid redemption than Baaghi. Just like we paid homage to matrix in Awara Pagal Deewana!

Oh and this sucks....

Note: all pics and links sourced from the internet

News This Week

Padmavati ban will benefit economy with double figure growth; unemployed section of society rejoice.

Finally, a good piece of news for the Indian population which is already reeling under the dual jolt of demonetization and GST. Close on the heels of an ex CM, a ruling party too voiced its concerns against the release of Padmavati; the concern being sentiments of certain communities being hurt. 

The ex CM has already issued threats of a violent protest. As a great gesture of goodwill and harmony, he has also apologised in advance for the trouble the protest will cause.

The move is indeed a master stroke and aims to revive an ailing economy. A senior leader who ‘shall- not- be- named’ was of the belief that ‘this ban will create employment opportunities for many out –of- work, good- for- nothing HNIs (High Nuisance Individuals).’

It truly is heartening to see political parties so concerned about salvaging the cultural heritage of India. The approach is fresh and is aimed at addressing genuine issues (unlike the often inflated ones like poverty and corruption).

It really is heartening to see people challenging evolution!

Every College Ever: Part 1

It's been 12 years since college. But it seems like yesterday. Now when I pass by any college campus and look at the kids there, I feel...nostalgic yes, but more than that I feel really old.

Every college that I have ever come across has some very common scenes and people. To start with everyone feels that their college life was the best. But certain characters and situations remain permanent.

The Guitarist: Every college campus has this one musician guy. And mostly his weapon of choice would be the guitar. There was this musician guy in my college. Every day for three years, he would roam around the campus with a guitar hanging on his shoulder. Everyday. And he fit the image of the quintessential college musician to the T. So the guitarist is casually dressed, a sexy leather or denim jacket to give him that bohemian look. I mean when have you ever seen a guy wearing formals and also play the guitar? They are two separate species altogether. The one wearing the formals is what scientists term as talentless! Who wears formals in college anyway? The musician has long hair, obviously. And did I mention that he is generally a heartthrob? Girls are ready to tear his clothes (and theirs too) when they hear him play. Guys obviously hate him. But you can’t beat up a guy just cause he plays the guitar. Or can you?

Rebels without a cause: Then there is a group of students that is perpetually outside the college. They are the bad guys. Wronged by the system. Always eager for a fight, these guys get offended at the drop of a hat. My college too had such a group. It was the time when Tere Naam was released. And suddenly everyone in the group was a self proclaimed Radhe, a goon with the heart of gold. Most of them were assholes of the highest order though. Then there was this guy who was nicknamed Sathiya/Vivek Oberoi. Reason? He had hair like Vivek Oberoi. But the similarity ended there. Not for him though. He was so used to people calling him Vivek Oberoi that eventually he believed that he was Oberoi's first cousin. He even ended up buying that Avenger type bike which Oberoi drives in Dum. And it was funny cause he was a little over 5 feet tall. And looked like a mouse.

The college bitches: This tag is reserved for two of the hottest girls in the college. And they are usually friends with each other. More than the sharing of interests, the real reason for them being together is their insecurity. Because they believe that the other person is the only real threat to her popularity; so they end up befriending each other. That’s like symbiosis at a human level. What also is true is the fact that they will become sworn enemies as the college nears its term.

The born couples: In college, some friendships are forged from the word go. And when its between a boy and a girl, tongues do tend to wag (coz duh ,ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte right?). They will always be together; always laughing away seemingly awkward questions about their relation with elan. Of course who would believe them? Seeing them together out of college would be like sighting a tiger. You would be really lucky to see one, but everyone manages to catch a glimpse nevertheless. This ‘çouple’ would also be accompanied by a third friend, usually a girl. She is part of the group because she is a stabiliser. The couple would be like, ‘we are a group of good friends’. The girl would be like ‘no i am more like the pickle in a buffet. Very much needed, but no one would miss me either’. And yes, the pair will not tolerate deviating interests of each other. There will come a time when the couple won’t be talking to each other because of his or her’s alleged closeness with another person of the opposite sex.

The chick magnet: This is self explanatory. He is the college stud. Every guy hates him. Every girl wants to cut her veins for him. He is usually friends with the guitarist, so their synergy is so great that by the third year there isn’t a lot of hope left for lesser mortals to have a girlfriend. And as usual you can’t beat both of them up cause the stud is well built. Or can you? Few years ago I bumped into the college stud from my batch. He had undergone a drastic change. He was fat, and balding. It was difficult to imagine him that way. I felt a little sad, and a lot happier.

Youth Festival: Without doubt the most happening event of the year. This event sees aggressive participation from students because it is one time in the entire year when you can officially bunk lectures. When questioned on his or her absence, the student in question will reply in the most sincere yet proud manner, “sir for youth festival...”, almost as if he or she had fought in kargil.

The Annual Day/Talent Evening: The only fun thing the college authorities allow every year. This day is anxiously awaited because it is like an unofficial end to the academic year. So the evening begins with a female student dressed in saree hosting the show. She will begin by thanking the ‘honourable principal sir’, and respected professors who are sitting in the front row, for being the guiding light. She will then recite a poem which is usually written by the college poet who for most part of college life remains in obscurity. Then she invites the ‘honourable principal sir’ on stage, who will then take 20 minutes out of your life with the new photocopy of last year’s speech. And of course then there is the mandatory ‘lighting of the lamp’ by some big shot of the university, mostly the Vice Chancellor. And he then goes on to prove how the lamp and its light symbolises all the racist things in the world.

And then the evening begins. And as all good things begin with a prayer, the annual day too begins on a holy note. Three girls sharing one mike will sing a popular bhajan. If the college is upscale, then you will also have two guys with the girls; one playing the harmonium, and the other playing tabla. The audience by then realises that one hour of the allotted two and a half hours is already over.

Once the aesthetics are over, the actual fun begins. The female anchor is joined by a guy, in a blazer. He is the fun element. He takes over from the female and ensures that the audience is still alive. So he will repeat the question ‘are you guys ready for some fun?’, because the first time no one has heard it. And like obedient children, the audience too will respond with a loud ‘ýes’. And then the usual routine begins. Skits, dance, mimicry, some more dance, singing. Before you know it, the evening ends. And a sad realisation engulfs you. The year is about to end.   

...to be contd

Of Snakes And The Ailing TV!

If there is one thing that stands in the way of Darwin’s theory of evolution, then it has to be without doubt the Indian TV industry. Why it continues to churn out crap day in and day out is something my mind cannot comprehend. Just don’t watch them, some would argue. But that’s not the point. Its like saying ‘i don’t indulge in corruption, so I might as well choose to ignore it’.

I am reasonably asocial. Which means that if I have a computer and decent internet speed my life is golden. On a lazy weekend all I do is lie on my bed with the laptop in front of me which churns out episodes of The Big Bang Theory, Friends, Family Guy, AIB videos, horror movies, etc one after the other. I am yet to get my hands on GOT and Breaking Bad. So I am ok watching reruns of these episodes with the greatest pleasure. It’s not that I like watching these shows and movies only on my laptop. I too enjoy the clarity and sound of my new 32 inch Samsung LED TV. But what is the point of watching these movies and shows when the channel plays moral police and beeps out dialogues and deletes scenes which they believe we may find offensive. When will these censor boards quit deciding what is good for us and what isn’t?

The last time mythologies were in vogue was way back in ’87 – ’88 era when BR Chopra’s Mahabharat and Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan were on air. Mahabharat was actually lot cooler than the crap made thereafter. Since then, the TV channels have never let go of their fixation with mythologies. So we have serials on Shanidev, Krishna, Hanuman, not to mention the umpteen screwed up versions of Ramayana and Mahabharat, and the list is endless. How many times must one watch the same story told again and again? Is it going to be any different from the earlier attempts? Is Lord Ram not going to rescue Sita for a change? Will Hanuman get bored of being mocked around for carrying the mountain and actually just bring the goddamn herb for a change? Is Lord Krishna during his sermon to Arjun going to say, “Dude, I rode you all the way to this battlefield to watch you kick some serious Kaurava ass, not to whimper like a sissy. Now kill these irritating relatives of yours. Oh Satya and Dharma btw.” Well to be honest that was kinda the crux of Geeta Updesh. 

All these shows go on to prove just one thing. The writers lack imagination.

And what the fuck is the deal with Naagin 2? I mean was there a season 1 too? Granted Mouni Roy makes a really convincing snake. But this is 2017 for heaven’s snake. The only time I saw a movie on shape shifting snakes was in 1990. My dad had recently bought a VCR and the first cassette we rented was Nagina. But that was that. I also skipped watching the masterpiece ‘Matrix ka Jaani Dushman’ starring Armaan Kohli and half of bollywood. I regret it till date. My love for snakes was further enhanced when I accidentally bumped into this sssymphony performed by critters. I shit you not. This was an actual movie in which a whole bunch of cobras play all sorts of classical instruments. So one snake plays the flute, one plays the sitar, and if I remember well, one also played the dhol. I mean that is amazing bit of animal training. The most I could get my pet Lab to do was sit when I told him to. Thats the clip right there. Actually its the full movie. Try skipping to 1:58:41.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkmTvuDaGgk

Oh and for all those people who swear by Tarak Mehta’s Ooltah Chashma and its clean humour, you can all go and pleasure yourselves. Of course, most of the male population endures this crap fest because of that Babita chick. The treatment couldn’t get any worse. I am not even starting on the content. So I had a mishap once and happened to catch one episode of this serial. One character says a dialogue, then the camera pans to all the other characters and captures their reaction. Then there is a commercial break. Two minutes later, the show resumes where some other character responds to the first character. The fucking camera again pans to all the characters and captures their reaction, again. And then there is a break...AGAIN! To the makers I say ‘**** YOU SIRS’. That’s my tribute to the channels that beep the subtitles too.

Honestly, I don’t know much about the other shows because I couldn’t care less. But I am super confident and know how content driven the other shows would be. The bug seems to have bitten Discovery Channel too it seems. One of their shows is called Naked and Afraid. The content as described by Wikipedia is ‘Each episode chronicles the lives of two survivalists (1 woman; 1 man) who meet for the first time and are given the task of surviving a stay in the wilderness naked for 21 days.’ Seriously?

I recently saw on TV a scene from the Govinda starrer Hathkadi. And this is an actual scene from the movie. The actress Madhu comes out of her house and sees her rooster out of its cage. She runs around to catch it. Govinda who is passing by in an atrocious attire sees her and the very next moment they break out into a song. And there is a bicycle in the song too. I understand that its a movie and its ok to let imaginations fly around a bit. But at least imagine! And Flying Jatt? Who the names a movie thus?

People who do watch these shows and films have often criticised me and called me a pseudo intellectual. Look, I honestly don’t have a problem with them watching these shows and films. I have a problem with the makers of such shows taking the audience for fools and not even making a minimal effort to work on the content. Yes the audience needs to evolve no doubt. I remember a time when MTV was awesome. Now when I accidentally watch the channel while surfing, I instantly realise that something is seriously wrong with the audience, and the channels are simply exploiting this ignorance. And that Harbhajan Singh plays judge on Roadies. And to think that I almost forgave him for marrying Geeta Basra.

And yes I have written a similar post couple of years ago which probably might make you think that probably I have run out of content as well. But did u notice the subtle branding I did for Samsung LED TV? Now that’s marketing ;)

Beauty And The Beast!

She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. Even if Amit was blind, he would have been unable to miss the beauty that radiated from the girl. She was gorgeous. Her kohl filled eyes gazed at a distance. He wondered what she thought of. Her long eye lashes stood in graceful attention as she hardly blinked. Her spotless face oozed an angelic glow he had rarely seen. Her curly shoulder length hair added to the mesmerizing allure. Her dainty nose was followed by the cutest pair of lips he had ever seen; as if just waiting for him to kiss.

Amit could sit there all day and watch this amazing creation of the almighty. And he was glad that there was hardly anyone in the café at that hour.

 “Sir, your phone is ringing” said the waiter as he caught Amit staring intently at the girl. Amit checked his phone to see ‘Sonu’ flashing on the screen. The name momentarily broke the spell Amit was under. Sonu was his eight year old son. And although Amit was forty he had found it difficult to control the teenager in him. He always had. He answered the phone and assured Sonu that he would take him to watch Minions that evening.

Amit clucked in irritation as the waiter who was taking her order blocked his vision. But he soon left, and Amit could once again worship her through his eyes.

He continued ogling at the girl as he ordered another cup of green tea. His eyes wandered all over the female’s body. He could imagine her divine curves hidden behind her top which he wished was tighter. 

‘I need a better view’ he thought. 

He immediately got up and shifted to a couch closer to her.

‘Oh this is much better’ he thought gleefully as he ogled at her entire body. She was perfect. All he could think of was ripping her attire off to shreds and doing what he did best. Loving them. She was just the kind of women he liked. Young, luscious, virginal.

‘I should approach her. She seems easy’ he thought. It was a stupid idea. He was married and had a kid. 

‘But a little harmless flirting wouldn’t hurt’ he thought again.

The city was full of such women. His wife had been one too. But now he couldn’t stand the sight of her. She had bloated out of proportions.

He always regretted getting married. Getting married to experience the pleasures of a female’s body was ridiculous. It was like buying an orchard just because he liked a fruit. If he hadn’t been married he would have been checking into a hotel right now with her.

‘As if it’d stopped you earlier’, he thought and smiled slyly.

Lost in amorous thoughts he hadn’t realised that the girl had caught him staring at her. She was used to such attention. And she could always tell admirers from perverts. She knew that in his mind, he had already undressed her. Little did he know what she was capable of. The thought brought a smile to her face. She reached inside her handbag and pulled out something shiny. She looked around the café to see if anybody had noticed. Her pervert admirer had.

Amit’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to gauge in what he had just seen. It was a knife. Small but seemingly effective. But it wasn’t the size that made him tense. It were the very visible stains of blood that covered the blade. And all of a sudden, the woman, seemingly muttering to herself, started rocking gently on the chair. Still unable to fathom what he had just seen, Amit saw the female take the knife and slash her left palm with it. Amit jumped up in horror. But not a sound escaped his open mouth. His heart pounded mercilessly in the cage of his chest. Even scarier was the fact that the girl had not made a single sound, let alone a shriek. Even as he struggled to come to terms with it, the girl made another slashing movement and blood gently flowed out of her palm. Amit looked around nervously; the lone waiter had his back turned to the entire scene as he blended fresh coffee beans in the mixer. As Amit turned back he was horrified to see her staring at him with a psychotic grin. Her eyes burnt with a feeling he couldn’t define. Was it hatred? Or a devilish delight? He couldn’t tell. All he knew was that those eyes were boring into his very soul. Then, slowly, her lips curled into the slightest of smiles. A demonic smile. Whatever colour was left on his face vanished instantly.

‘You are going to die’ she said loud enough for him to hear. A cry of panic escaped Amit’s mouth as he fell of the chair. He quickly got up and made a mad dash towards the door.

“Sir, your bill” shouted the waiter as he ran towards the exit. But he had lost the man.

As she saw him flee in panic, she couldn’t help hide her grin. She wiped her blood stained hands with the tissue paper. It was amazing what potassium thiocynate and ferric chloride could achieve. She loved chemistry. And she would ensure that every day she would teach her students some neat chemistry tricks to make learning fun. Who would have thought that it could also prove pretty effective against oglers and eve teasers?

She checked her hands for any more stains.

“Wow, you really scared the hell out of him.” the waiter bowed down in appreciation as he approached her.

“I did, didn’t I?” she asked as she gave him a gorgeous smile.

“Yeah you did. But you also owe me two hundred bucks. He ran away without paying” said the waiter.

“Oh that’s ok. I will pay you.”

“Don’t worry. He will come back. He left his wallet on the table. You better put the knife away before you scare away any more customers” he said, winking at her.

She smiled cheerfully as she grabbed the coffee mug. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf.

Every Man's Inferno

It's here, the crippling fear I had

A pain, a sorrow, a truth that’s sad

It claws at me; its nails run deep

It faces me like a mountain steep

I’ll fight you with ease, I dared it once

I threw at it words and lot many puns

It will happen; the seer affirmed

It did happen; this morning my mobile confirmed

It’s the monster that I chose to dare

Now I stand naked in its lair

A price I paid to live a dream

Now I wake up in loud screams

But am not alone to have fallen prey

There are many who went astray

But still from them I had not learned

And blew away what all I earned

The duress on me will forever mount

As it wipes away my bank account

But why did I listen to all those men?

And seal my fate with the mighty pen?

'Buy your house' together they sang

'My house?' heck, it belongs to the bank

And all I can do is moan and grunt

As it comes for me on every month

It’ll have its blood; if I live or die

It lives through me; the devil EMI!

Two Face

I first met Daniel three years ago. He had walked into my clinic without an appointment. And when he was refused an audience, he barged into my room.

“Please…” he said; his voice a weird mix of horror and resolve. Something about the voice shook my core. I couldn't ignore the plea in Daniel’s voice. As the security guard closed the door behind, Daniel simply crashed on to the couch.

“You got to help me doc. You got to get rid of him” Daniel’s terror stricken voice pleaded.

“Calm down…what’s your name?”

“Daniel…shut up” he suddenly screamed as he stood up hysterically.

“Excuse me?” I implored

“Its him…Damien”

“I’m sorry…is it Daniel or Damien?”

“The voice…that’s Damien”

“What voice?” I could see where all this was heading to.

As if on cue, Daniel’s eyes rolled up, revealing the eerie white. And he collapsed. I lay him on the couch and sat by his feet. He woke up an hour later.

“How are you?” I asked him as he slowly sat up. Daniel nodded tiredly.

“You can talk now?” Daniel nodded again.

Its then he told me his story. Daniel was being haunted by a voice only he heard. And although I had heard such stories a million times before, something about Daniel made me want to believe him. But a psychiatrist’s success depends upon his ability to rationalize creepy occurrences. I had to find out the reason behind Daniel’s nightmare. The voice belonged to someone called Damien, and it began 4 years ago. Unlike the other similar cases I had dealt with, Daniel’s was the most unusual. Unlike the others, the 23 year old Daniel did not have a troubled childhood, he wasn't abused as a child nor did he have a history of a psychotic attack. He in fact was smarter than most of the patients I had met. He repeated the same story under hypnosis.

Damien was more than a voice for Daniel. It was a parasitic entity, living within him, living off him. It started as an itch. Something irritating the back of his head. He scratched, the irritation grew. He saw a dermatologist who saw nothing peculiar. Then the itching grew. Almost as if something was clawing him from inside. And then one night, as Daniel slept, he felt something breathe on his neck; heavy, moist. Daniel ignored it, perhaps the remnants of a nightmare. But it happened again the following night. He woke up with a start. And there it was again. This wasn't a nightmare he had been dreaming. This was a nightmare he was living. A week later, Daniel heard the voice. A cold whisper. Daniel never slept again.

Damien began to take control of everything Daniel did. Daniel couldn't eat, he couldn't drink, he couldn't meet friends, he couldn't live! Damien egged Daniel on to do strange things. He wanted Daniel to harm people. One morning Daniel woke up with blood on himself. He immediately checked his body. It wasn't him. At noon, he discovered the dismembered body of his pet dog Luke in the garage. Daniel realized that it was only a matter of time before his worst fears came true. Somehow he managed to drag himself to my clinic that day.  

Our sessions did little to improve his condition. But they did not go beyond the second month. Last week, Daniel killed himself by jumping in front of a train. His death changed everything. My patient was dead. It was my failure. And then, yesterday, a letter arrived. It was from Daniel. What I read next shocked me beyond imagination.

“Alan, by the time you read this, I would be dead. I am sorry Alan. It was the only way. Damien made me do it. He said that he would leave me forever if I did it. He said that he had found the perfect body. You cannot even begin to imagine the horror I have gone through.

Forgive me, if you can.

Daniel”

As I tried to make sense out of the letter, a searing pain surged through the back of my head. It was as if my head would explode. I thought I would pass out. And then I felt something warm on my neck. As I turned around, a cold whisper called out to me…

“Hello Alan…”!