Boys to Men- Part 1

So its been many days since I last ventured out of my home (I lost count after the lock down). So yes, the times are tense. The Corona pandemic has pushed us to fight for survival.

But this piece isn’t about Corona. We have had enough depression and fear for a lifetime. 

I grew up as a 90s kid, and for some weird reason still feel that 90s was 10 years ago. It was an exciting decade. We as a nation were just beginning to shed our inhibitions. Probably the most brazen moment of that decade was the song Choli ke Peeche from Khalnayak. It was 1993, and as it is with anything remotely raunchy, the people were scandalised. It was a different matter altogether that the song became their favourite in the sweet privacy of their homes.

Naturally, the song was very popular among us boys. From "tuney ‘wo' gaana dekha?" to humming ‘kukukuku...’ the song set our imaginations wild. As kids on the cusp of teenage, finally came a song which was asking all the right questions - What exactly lies behind the choli?

As it is with any educational institute’s toilet, my school too had its share of graffiti artists and vandals who would treat the toilet walls like their own personal canvas. From graphic sketches to cheeky one liners...the wall had space for everyone. And one of the walls finally had the answer to the question. It read: Choli ke peeche kya hai...choli ke peeche b*ll hai! ‘B*ll’ obviously being the metaphor for breasts for us at that tender yet furiously notorious age.

And some 25 years have passed between then and now...whenever Choli ke Peeche plays up, my mind immediately gives me the response. Choli ke Peeche b*ll hai!

Throughout the 90s there were many songs which made us go red in the face. not because we were scandalised. But because back then, watching TV was a joint endeavour. there was no concept of 'me time' where one family member could hog the TV alone. so whatever was dished out on the TV was meant to be watched at the viewer's discretion. So yes, I have watched the opening scene of Aaj Phir Tumpe Pyar Aaya Hai from Dayavaan and watched Govinda and Karishma Kapoor dance suggestively to Sarkailiyo Khatiya...with my parents. 

The tricky part lay with the person holding the remote - that of smoothly changing the channel. While dads could get away with it (coz mah house mah rulez), we had to be very subtle. Changing immediately would mean that we knew what the song meant, and that we were no longer the innocent ,cherubic apples of their eyes. Suddenly they would get their eureka moment on why we were spending more time in the bathroom.

Which brings me to the next Boys to Men phase...Porn!

But thats later.

(to be contd...)

*Honourable mention: 

Aanchal ke andar kya hai

Aanchal ke andar Choli

Choli ke andar kya hai

Batau...Batau?

Choli main....tabahi hai tabahi tabahi

Duhayi hai duhayi duhayi...

...from Khalnayika

After Life: Just What the World Needs

To be honest I didn’t expect Ricky Gervais to make such a compelling web series. Ricky Gervais is probably one of the most intelligent celebrities I have seen. He is unapologetically honest in his opinions, and his stand ups are outright offensive and disgustingly brilliant (only he could imagine his sagging testicles like a raft on which his penis rests). He has also hosted the Golden Globe awards multiple times (much to the chagrin of the celebs in attendance). You can’t really blame the celebs for hating him when he introduces Bruce Willis as ‘Ashton Kutcher’s dad’.

But After Life is different. Of course it does have his caustic humour in generous amount. It however shows a very mature, human and intellectual aspect of Ricky Gervais both as the writer/director as well as the actor.

After Life tells the tale of Tony played by Ricky Gervais who is grieving the death of his wife due to cancer. She has recorded videos of herself telling him to move on when she is gone. Her absence sends Tony in a spiral of hurt and anger, and many times finds him close to killing himself. He hates the world which he feels is full of ‘arseholes’. He doesn’t waste time in pleasing anyone, and hates people for the flimsiest reason (someone yawning or chewing too loudly). He chides a postman who often reads his mail, in the most savage way possible.

Other moments include him threatening a kid with a hammer or calling him to a ‘tubby little ginger cunt’. He works for a small time newspaper and where primarily he interviews people who feel they have something special in them (like interviewing the parents of a newborn who resembles Adolf Hitler).

The only thing that stops Tony from dying is a bunch of friends who never give up on him despite being tired of his inability to look beyond his grief and being horrible to everyone around him.

Despite being only 6 episodes in length, After Life is probably the perfect antidote to the usual fare that is available on TV or the Web (seriously I have had enough of ISIS-Balochistan-ISI mess). This is one show which genuinely makes you laugh and cry in equal measure. Probably cry more because Ricky Gervais brilliantly portrays the pained soul of Tony. Tony is a mix of all our frustrations and hurt. Everything and everyone annoys him. Which is the case with all of us at some point in life. Or most of life for some. But sooner or later, we do manage to realise that everything and everyone eventually becomes a memory. And it is important to cherish them while they last.

Cheers to the makers of After Life. And cheers again because there is going to be a second season.

(*above images sourced from Ricky Gervais' instagram)

How Endgame Made 3000 A New Measure For Awesomeness! (Spoilers galore)

And there it is. A plan set in motion 11 years ago, spanning 22 films and many superheroes, finally culminated into an epic finale with Avengers Endgame.

Just like any ardent MCU movie fan, i cant help but feel emotional at the conclusion. While I felt that the one year wait for endgame was torture at the highest, now that its here and I have watched it, I feel a void.

One has to appreciate the MCU and all those behind these movies. Jon Favreau started it all with the brilliant Iron Man. And he gave us one of the greatest superheroes of all time; Robert Downey Jr. If Tony Stark had a face then it had to be RDJ. I think Stan Lee created Tony Stark in 1963 keeping RDJ in mind. Maybe time travel does exist.

Which brings me to the Russo brothers. Endgame is an epic. The creative brilliance of their minds has somehow managed to create the finale which honestly I felt was impossible. The scale, the merging plot lines, the characters, and eventually the conclusion, in the time frame of 3 hours is just phenomenal. For me they are the real superheroes. They had me and a hundred others in the audience hooting and clapping like 12 year olds.

I have no qualms in admitting, that we can never reach that level of brilliance in Indian cinema. We will continue making SOTY and Kalank. Don't even mention Bhavesh Joshi. That movie sucked. A useless protagonist with a stick as weapon and LEDs needlessly placed in his helmet. That movie could have been so much more. And yet wasn’t.

Back to Endgame. A few dampers. We would have loved some more info on Prof Hulk. Sadly, Hulk never really found his mojo since the first Avenger movie. The following movies didn’t really give him enough ‘Hulk...Smash’ moments. And I definitely didn’t like the fat Thor. C’mon man, he deserved another ‘Bring me Thanos’ moment. Chris Hemsworth will always be Thor for me – the strongest Avenger.

But the character to whom most justice was done was Thanos. In Infinity War, I felt that Thanos was invincible on paper, and somehow the character didn’t feel as dangerous as he was made out to be. Towards the end, you would want to see some goodness in him especially at his hurt for Gamora. But in Endgame you realise just how badass the character is as he single-handedly kicks all the superhero ass, and almost kills everyone. Take a bow Josh Brolin. When Thanos says that this time earth’s destruction will be personal, it had me worried.

And I feel so happy that Antman was responsible for the whole time travel/quantum realm thing. Its only natural that Paul Rudd should know a thing or two about time travel in real life too. He has refused to age since appearing as Mike on friends. Thats the only plausible explanation.

And the Mjolnir scene. Thats another brilliant moment in the movie. All of us have read at some point that Cap is worthy enough to lift Mjolnir and even does so in the comics. But when that scene came on screen, I literally got up from my chair and hooted my lungs off. That scene alone was more than my money’s worth. Oh and his line ‘Avengers....Assemble’! Goosebumps!

Captain Marvel and her screen time, though limited, give us a fair idea on how powerful her character is. She almost single-handedly decimates Thanos and his army (besides saving Stark among other things). I really hope that future Captain Marvel movies will do justice to the character and Brie Larson too. That hairstyle is just out of this world.

I felt the Ronin bit was unnecessary. It did nothing for the character of Barton in the film. But Renner gets his due as well. We also get to see the actor side of Renner as he chokes up on receiving the phone call from his wife.

Which finally brings me to Tony Stark/Iron Man/Robert Downey Jr. Captain America might be the leader of the group, but we all know who rules the team. The MCU has given countless and rather obvious hints to this fact in the last 11 years. Tony and his father Howard remain the vital catalysts in making the events of Endgame possible. I mean, when the audience roots for Iron Man in Captain America: Civil War, you know who is the boss. Oh and the Jarvis bit was awesome.

I would have loved to see some more awesomeness in Iron Man’s suit but I can live with that. What I can’t live with is the fact that Tony dies. Why him? You could have picked out any other superhero and I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid (ok maybe not Thor or Spiderman). Bucky for that matter. I was not ready!

But the harsh truth is that the series has concluded. We will no longer see RDJ, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner and Scarlet together.

Thank you Stan Lee and Marvel. The pleasure was entirely ours. Excelsior! 

And when GOT ends in a month, I will absolutely lose it.

And just like that...the Game ends! 

*All images sourced from the Internet

Baaghi-A Review

I have seen Baaghi (with Tiger Shroff) 4 times. And not due to any kind of fondness. I travel frequently to Baroda and during this one particular period Baaghi was a regular feature on the bus which I would board. And apparently Baaghi is a favourite with the audience.

One of the earliest scenes is the one where Tiger Shroff...sorry I can't call him that...it is too embarrassing. Lets just call him hero. So the scene is where hero meets Shraddha Kapoor. And she can talk with the rain. And she gets all orgasmic when it rains. Which after some time is pointed out by hero too. He asks her if she has no other work besides getting wet. 

Shraddha Kapoor is beautiful. But that doesn’t make me not want to punch her. She is like a human bubble wrap. Perennially bubbly. And watching her makes me want to do just what i would do with a bubble wrap.

Sunil Grover plays her dad. If there was ever an Oscar for the worst casting them it would go to him. No, I am wrong. It would go to the cast of Jaani Dushman (the newer one).

Then Shraddha Kapoor loses her shit when it starts to rain. And 'chham chham chham' befalls. The villain sees her dancing and instantly wants to strangle her because she is flirting with the rain. But someone stops him in the neck of time and he goes away with his goons.

Hero reaches the martial arts guru’s ashram. He for some reason is standing in this pose in front of his students (one of whom is the TVF guy). Now this pose, for starters,...what could possibly be its utility in a fight? I for one can think of many ways to floor him if he is standing in that vulnerable position in front of me. or is he just trying to show off in front of the TVF guy that he can really stretch it when needed? Or maybe fart and convey how deadly it is at the same time?

Equally baffling is this pose. 

It is hero’s introductory scene. As cool as it looks, it is equally impossible. I have no doubts on hero’s martial abilities. But this is the same guy who underwent a harrowing experience while preparing for Baaghi 2. He had a haircut! Below is the link for more proof.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw018TePayo

After seeing the video all I wanted to ask him was, ‘bhai tuje bolte huye sharam bhi nai aai?’.

Anyways, hero gives Guru a letter from his father, whose voiceover from the letter says that by the time Guru finds the letter he would be dead as he is very sick. And hero stands there giving zero fucks, and throwing random kicks at the students for no rhyme and reason. Which hints at some sort of learning disability in him as he fails to comprehend the number 68 which also happens to be Guru’s age.

Then we are introduced to this mute kid, who completely destroys our empathy towards him by constantly using ‘ya ya’ to answer anything.

Then a lot of crap happens in between. Finally hero reaches Bangkok to rescue Shraddha Kapoor. And then Raid Redemption happens for the next half hour. Hero kills many fighters including this guy. 

Seriously, the guy on that hair. The best line in the movie is reserved for this guy. As hero breaks his arm he looks into the camera and says “china ka maal zyada chalta nai”. And we complain that the Chinese are hostile towards Indians.

And the movie ends. There couldn’t be a bigger homage to raid redemption than Baaghi. Just like we paid homage to matrix in Awara Pagal Deewana!

Oh and this sucks....

Note: all pics and links sourced from the internet

News This Week

Padmavati ban will benefit economy with double figure growth; unemployed section of society rejoice.

Finally, a good piece of news for the Indian population which is already reeling under the dual jolt of demonetization and GST. Close on the heels of an ex CM, a ruling party too voiced its concerns against the release of Padmavati; the concern being sentiments of certain communities being hurt. 

The ex CM has already issued threats of a violent protest. As a great gesture of goodwill and harmony, he has also apologised in advance for the trouble the protest will cause.

The move is indeed a master stroke and aims to revive an ailing economy. A senior leader who ‘shall- not- be- named’ was of the belief that ‘this ban will create employment opportunities for many out –of- work, good- for- nothing HNIs (High Nuisance Individuals).’

It truly is heartening to see political parties so concerned about salvaging the cultural heritage of India. The approach is fresh and is aimed at addressing genuine issues (unlike the often inflated ones like poverty and corruption).

It really is heartening to see people challenging evolution!

Every College Ever: Part 1

It's been 12 years since college. But it seems like yesterday. Now when I pass by any college campus and look at the kids there, I feel...nostalgic yes, but more than that I feel really old.

Every college that I have ever come across has some very common scenes and people. To start with everyone feels that their college life was the best. But certain characters and situations remain permanent.

The Guitarist: Every college campus has this one musician guy. And mostly his weapon of choice would be the guitar. There was this musician guy in my college. Every day for three years, he would roam around the campus with a guitar hanging on his shoulder. Everyday. And he fit the image of the quintessential college musician to the T. So the guitarist is casually dressed, a sexy leather or denim jacket to give him that bohemian look. I mean when have you ever seen a guy wearing formals and also play the guitar? They are two separate species altogether. The one wearing the formals is what scientists term as talentless! Who wears formals in college anyway? The musician has long hair, obviously. And did I mention that he is generally a heartthrob? Girls are ready to tear his clothes (and theirs too) when they hear him play. Guys obviously hate him. But you can’t beat up a guy just cause he plays the guitar. Or can you?

Rebels without a cause: Then there is a group of students that is perpetually outside the college. They are the bad guys. Wronged by the system. Always eager for a fight, these guys get offended at the drop of a hat. My college too had such a group. It was the time when Tere Naam was released. And suddenly everyone in the group was a self proclaimed Radhe, a goon with the heart of gold. Most of them were assholes of the highest order though. Then there was this guy who was nicknamed Sathiya/Vivek Oberoi. Reason? He had hair like Vivek Oberoi. But the similarity ended there. Not for him though. He was so used to people calling him Vivek Oberoi that eventually he believed that he was Oberoi's first cousin. He even ended up buying that Avenger type bike which Oberoi drives in Dum. And it was funny cause he was a little over 5 feet tall. And looked like a mouse.

The college bitches: This tag is reserved for two of the hottest girls in the college. And they are usually friends with each other. More than the sharing of interests, the real reason for them being together is their insecurity. Because they believe that the other person is the only real threat to her popularity; so they end up befriending each other. That’s like symbiosis at a human level. What also is true is the fact that they will become sworn enemies as the college nears its term.

The born couples: In college, some friendships are forged from the word go. And when its between a boy and a girl, tongues do tend to wag (coz duh ,ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte right?). They will always be together; always laughing away seemingly awkward questions about their relation with elan. Of course who would believe them? Seeing them together out of college would be like sighting a tiger. You would be really lucky to see one, but everyone manages to catch a glimpse nevertheless. This ‘çouple’ would also be accompanied by a third friend, usually a girl. She is part of the group because she is a stabiliser. The couple would be like, ‘we are a group of good friends’. The girl would be like ‘no i am more like the pickle in a buffet. Very much needed, but no one would miss me either’. And yes, the pair will not tolerate deviating interests of each other. There will come a time when the couple won’t be talking to each other because of his or her’s alleged closeness with another person of the opposite sex.

The chick magnet: This is self explanatory. He is the college stud. Every guy hates him. Every girl wants to cut her veins for him. He is usually friends with the guitarist, so their synergy is so great that by the third year there isn’t a lot of hope left for lesser mortals to have a girlfriend. And as usual you can’t beat both of them up cause the stud is well built. Or can you? Few years ago I bumped into the college stud from my batch. He had undergone a drastic change. He was fat, and balding. It was difficult to imagine him that way. I felt a little sad, and a lot happier.

Youth Festival: Without doubt the most happening event of the year. This event sees aggressive participation from students because it is one time in the entire year when you can officially bunk lectures. When questioned on his or her absence, the student in question will reply in the most sincere yet proud manner, “sir for youth festival...”, almost as if he or she had fought in kargil.

The Annual Day/Talent Evening: The only fun thing the college authorities allow every year. This day is anxiously awaited because it is like an unofficial end to the academic year. So the evening begins with a female student dressed in saree hosting the show. She will begin by thanking the ‘honourable principal sir’, and respected professors who are sitting in the front row, for being the guiding light. She will then recite a poem which is usually written by the college poet who for most part of college life remains in obscurity. Then she invites the ‘honourable principal sir’ on stage, who will then take 20 minutes out of your life with the new photocopy of last year’s speech. And of course then there is the mandatory ‘lighting of the lamp’ by some big shot of the university, mostly the Vice Chancellor. And he then goes on to prove how the lamp and its light symbolises all the racist things in the world.

And then the evening begins. And as all good things begin with a prayer, the annual day too begins on a holy note. Three girls sharing one mike will sing a popular bhajan. If the college is upscale, then you will also have two guys with the girls; one playing the harmonium, and the other playing tabla. The audience by then realises that one hour of the allotted two and a half hours is already over.

Once the aesthetics are over, the actual fun begins. The female anchor is joined by a guy, in a blazer. He is the fun element. He takes over from the female and ensures that the audience is still alive. So he will repeat the question ‘are you guys ready for some fun?’, because the first time no one has heard it. And like obedient children, the audience too will respond with a loud ‘ýes’. And then the usual routine begins. Skits, dance, mimicry, some more dance, singing. Before you know it, the evening ends. And a sad realisation engulfs you. The year is about to end.   

...to be contd

Of Snakes And The Ailing TV!

If there is one thing that stands in the way of Darwin’s theory of evolution, then it has to be without doubt the Indian TV industry. Why it continues to churn out crap day in and day out is something my mind cannot comprehend. Just don’t watch them, some would argue. But that’s not the point. Its like saying ‘i don’t indulge in corruption, so I might as well choose to ignore it’.

I am reasonably asocial. Which means that if I have a computer and decent internet speed my life is golden. On a lazy weekend all I do is lie on my bed with the laptop in front of me which churns out episodes of The Big Bang Theory, Friends, Family Guy, AIB videos, horror movies, etc one after the other. I am yet to get my hands on GOT and Breaking Bad. So I am ok watching reruns of these episodes with the greatest pleasure. It’s not that I like watching these shows and movies only on my laptop. I too enjoy the clarity and sound of my new 32 inch Samsung LED TV. But what is the point of watching these movies and shows when the channel plays moral police and beeps out dialogues and deletes scenes which they believe we may find offensive. When will these censor boards quit deciding what is good for us and what isn’t?

The last time mythologies were in vogue was way back in ’87 – ’88 era when BR Chopra’s Mahabharat and Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan were on air. Mahabharat was actually lot cooler than the crap made thereafter. Since then, the TV channels have never let go of their fixation with mythologies. So we have serials on Shanidev, Krishna, Hanuman, not to mention the umpteen screwed up versions of Ramayana and Mahabharat, and the list is endless. How many times must one watch the same story told again and again? Is it going to be any different from the earlier attempts? Is Lord Ram not going to rescue Sita for a change? Will Hanuman get bored of being mocked around for carrying the mountain and actually just bring the goddamn herb for a change? Is Lord Krishna during his sermon to Arjun going to say, “Dude, I rode you all the way to this battlefield to watch you kick some serious Kaurava ass, not to whimper like a sissy. Now kill these irritating relatives of yours. Oh Satya and Dharma btw.” Well to be honest that was kinda the crux of Geeta Updesh. 

All these shows go on to prove just one thing. The writers lack imagination.

And what the fuck is the deal with Naagin 2? I mean was there a season 1 too? Granted Mouni Roy makes a really convincing snake. But this is 2017 for heaven’s snake. The only time I saw a movie on shape shifting snakes was in 1990. My dad had recently bought a VCR and the first cassette we rented was Nagina. But that was that. I also skipped watching the masterpiece ‘Matrix ka Jaani Dushman’ starring Armaan Kohli and half of bollywood. I regret it till date. My love for snakes was further enhanced when I accidentally bumped into this sssymphony performed by critters. I shit you not. This was an actual movie in which a whole bunch of cobras play all sorts of classical instruments. So one snake plays the flute, one plays the sitar, and if I remember well, one also played the dhol. I mean that is amazing bit of animal training. The most I could get my pet Lab to do was sit when I told him to. Thats the clip right there. Actually its the full movie. Try skipping to 1:58:41.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkmTvuDaGgk

Oh and for all those people who swear by Tarak Mehta’s Ooltah Chashma and its clean humour, you can all go and pleasure yourselves. Of course, most of the male population endures this crap fest because of that Babita chick. The treatment couldn’t get any worse. I am not even starting on the content. So I had a mishap once and happened to catch one episode of this serial. One character says a dialogue, then the camera pans to all the other characters and captures their reaction. Then there is a commercial break. Two minutes later, the show resumes where some other character responds to the first character. The fucking camera again pans to all the characters and captures their reaction, again. And then there is a break...AGAIN! To the makers I say ‘**** YOU SIRS’. That’s my tribute to the channels that beep the subtitles too.

Honestly, I don’t know much about the other shows because I couldn’t care less. But I am super confident and know how content driven the other shows would be. The bug seems to have bitten Discovery Channel too it seems. One of their shows is called Naked and Afraid. The content as described by Wikipedia is ‘Each episode chronicles the lives of two survivalists (1 woman; 1 man) who meet for the first time and are given the task of surviving a stay in the wilderness naked for 21 days.’ Seriously?

I recently saw on TV a scene from the Govinda starrer Hathkadi. And this is an actual scene from the movie. The actress Madhu comes out of her house and sees her rooster out of its cage. She runs around to catch it. Govinda who is passing by in an atrocious attire sees her and the very next moment they break out into a song. And there is a bicycle in the song too. I understand that its a movie and its ok to let imaginations fly around a bit. But at least imagine! And Flying Jatt? Who the names a movie thus?

People who do watch these shows and films have often criticised me and called me a pseudo intellectual. Look, I honestly don’t have a problem with them watching these shows and films. I have a problem with the makers of such shows taking the audience for fools and not even making a minimal effort to work on the content. Yes the audience needs to evolve no doubt. I remember a time when MTV was awesome. Now when I accidentally watch the channel while surfing, I instantly realise that something is seriously wrong with the audience, and the channels are simply exploiting this ignorance. And that Harbhajan Singh plays judge on Roadies. And to think that I almost forgave him for marrying Geeta Basra.

And yes I have written a similar post couple of years ago which probably might make you think that probably I have run out of content as well. But did u notice the subtle branding I did for Samsung LED TV? Now that’s marketing ;)